It’s been a little bit of time since I wrote on the blog, you know life with 4 kids 6 and under and 1 with special needs isn’t busy at all…but I had an urgent need to put some words to…well the blog (not to paper, lol).

I struggle….I am a type A, introvert with perfectionist tendencies…there I admitted it. James will laugh and say “tell me something I didn’t already know”. And with that comes A LOT of anxiety. This week I was down and out sick, like didn’t move from the couch for 2 days sick, which had not happened to me in quite a while. My hubby was a super hero and entertained the kids while I laid in quarantine for 2 whole days. It was fun, they were crazy BUT shocker… my hubby is not me. He doesn’t notice the mess like I do. He doesn’t notice the sock that is in the wrong bin like I do. Dishes don’t bother him as much as they do me. So when I emerged from the sick room, BAM…anxiety overload. “Mama, its a mess.” In that moment, I had to reallllyy stop myself. I often become the black tornado as it is lovingly called by my husband when I go into super mom clean up mode. My whole mood shifts. My focus becames hard and laser sharp…it;s not a peaceful place I go. And anxiety takes over. Someone lovingly laughed at me when I retold this story of the mess and said “but isn’t that the point of home, to let LIFE happen.”

How true and poignant are those words. How prophetic are those words. How easy it is a mothers to place this ungodly amount of pressure on ourselves to do all the things and check all the boxes because WHY? For me I think its because someone might come over to visit and discover that I don’t have it all together. But where does this pressure come from? Why do I allow my heart to be disturbed to the point of anger about something I really have no control over, it is part of the blessing of the LIFE I have with 4 creative children. I had a choice, I could yell and I could scream for my girls to “Be more responsible, clean up after themselves…how could they allow this to happen” but oh wait they are 6 and 4. OR I could breathe, accept the mess and love my kids, my husband, my messy life. Did we clean up together a little? yes. But did I chose Joy? yes Did I yell? No not for this time (we all know as mom this happens so just smile and nod.)

Jesus loved the biggest of messes. He chose some pretty messy disciples, like those he held closest to Him to spread the word after He was gone. He loved those that others often never saw. Jesus didn’t have anxiety or depression. Jesus had LIFE. What pressures we put on ourselves. What huge mounds of self-inflicted guilt we place on ourselves when we can’t do it all. I never really struggled with anxiety until the birth of Hattie. So many things were completely out of my control. Before Hattie, even with the girls I just let things roll off – I could pray and handle it. I did not have so much compassion and empathy for those who dealt with the burden of anxiety and depression UNTIL I lived it. Until I thought I was having a heart=attack because the weight of the anxiety I carried for my newest daughter was so heavy it laid on my chest like a rock. Until I felt like I was frozen and could not take one more step forward. Until I doubted the goodness of God and the devil slipped in thoughts that the reason Hattie was the way she was was because I did something wrong – did I not pray enough? Maybe I didn’t tithe enough? Maybe I was not living out my calling? The devil is a liar. He knew I was vulnerable, tired, exhausted and in a storm and he sought me. But so did the Lord and So did my husband. This new anxious life would not end with the end of my maternity leave but continues to be a battle I struggle with everyday. And through that battle, I learned that anxiety/depression is stealing so many stories. It is not anxiety that gives LIFE but Jesus. And at the end of the day, I have no control and I’m slowly accepting that. The messy life tends to feed that anxiety – Like somehow I’m not as good of a mom if my bed isn’t made but guess what I am. The Lord gave me this life for however long I may be in it and I will seek Joy in it. “As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after thee.” Lets encourage one another. Lets me slow to judge, slow to be angry and quick to love, forgive, pray and encourage. Lets be gracious and pray. Pray over the mama or dad that we see rushing, struggling, juggling when we see them next.

What kind of example do I want my kids to emulate? A peaceful mom with a mess or an angry mom with a home that’s sparkling clean. Now I do believe in chores and I do LOVE a sparkling clean home but I am going to re-evaluate HOW I get there. Small miracles happen EVERY day if we just take the load off our shoulders and Look for them. My kids woke up and said they loved me. They got dressed and went to schools where they have teachers who love on them all day (Thank the LORD for amazing teachers.). Mamas lets rest today. I know we read it all the time but for real….let that mess sit a little longer. Hug your spouse a little more instead of allowing the differences between you two to cause frustration. Appreciate the fact that you are different and thank the Lord for the gifts He has intricately designed in your significant other.

Stop the hustle, Stop the stress. Love yourself. Lay on that couch and know you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Discipline will be tomorrows topic 🙂

Blessings – Kaet