I find myself often battling different things Internally without letting anyone in. If I have learned anything in this journey with Hattie, Battles have become my new normal. Battles with insurance, Battles with emotions such as grief, joy, anger, anticipation, Battles with fatigue as I found myself burned into the sun last December and with these battles I often forget that I am not alone. In this fallen world we ALL have battles and part of life is learning to open up and express when we are struggling. Another norm in the special needs world is the expectations we put on ourselves to be MORE for our children. I laugh at this because I often get the term “superwomen” spoken over me. All the while I’m internally screaming and feeling far from super. This fall I pushed myself to the point that I lost myself. Working as a full time mom by day and full time PA by night pushed me further than my body could allow me to go and for the first time I saw that I couldn’t do it all. Huge pill to swallow for this “I can do it all” personality type. I allowed myself to forget myself. I went on autopilot. I stopped investing and focusing on things that matter the most such as my marriage, my Lord and myself. When you allow yourself to loose yourself the devil can get in the cracks. I felt like he was tapping on each weakness with a tiny hammer and my complacency was allowing them to shatter. I was so busy pouring out to all the special needs of my children and into caring for others at work – I forgot to refill. I got to a dangerous point in my relationship with my spouse. We needed help and fast – but I was willing and wanted to go. It takes a lot to say HELP out loud and to those around you but I did and so did James. You always here the saying “marriage isn’t easy” and yes it’s ridiculously difficult. You are asking 2 people to live as one. To be far from selfish. To encourage and uplift each other even though we literally do live on separate planets. It’s down right insane but it’s important. Saying that I was overwhelmed was one of the most difficult yet important life lessons I have learned yet. Jesus put this in perspective for me as he sat in the garden asking (I envision yelling out) to God to take this cup from Him. But the most valuable lesson in this is I AM NOT ALONE. I have a partner that would literally hang the moon for me – our problem was that we cared TOO much for each other to the point we assumed and missed the mark on what we needed. It wasn’t that we were broken. It was that we weren’t communicating and oh wait LISTENING to what we needed from one another. How great a lesson – be still and LISTEN. I think in this contemporary life asking for help and mental health is slowly getting better but it is far from perfect. Life is Hard and Life is busy – we aren’t super heroes alone. We are super heroes by those who are helping hold our cape and lifting us up in the air. If you look at all the so called super heroes in movies – there’s always their person….or team….they never work alone. Battles aren’t meant to be fought alone – acknowledge your people – love your people – talk out loud about how you are feeling – sing out to the Lord in your suffering. When people ask how you are doing, Go deeper – be real – be honest because more often than not, THEY get it and THEY have lived it.

To all my special needs parents – I see you, I know you, My heart aches with you. This often invisible battle you’re fighting we all know. You are not invisible. The heartbreak you feel for your child is our heartbreak. Your battle is my battle and you aren’t fighting alone. And the best part – We have the most incredible special children to fight for everyday. Soak in that one smile, that one word, that one touch, that one moment that pushes you through the rest of your restless day. As I read the blog of another special needs mom who lost her beautiful little girl with some of the same story as my precious Hattie my heart was heavy and my soul hurt. But the most amazing thing is she is choosing to battle it out WITH her people and Holding fast to Jesus. Live in the moment my friends. Don’t loose yourself in the invisibility but take it on as a cape and learn your limits. Call your weaknesses out one by one – so you control them and not the opposite. Your super hero cape is held up by many.

Thank you James for loving me despite myself. You stitch my cape together daily. I’m so blessed to be living this circus life with you 🎪