Grieving the Loss of Normal – Part 2 : The Hardest

Last week I started a discussion on a very hard, but real topic for so many of us. As some of you felt, it relates to many things we can grieve and lose in life. It can identify with the “normal” rhythms of this life we go through in a broken world. I felt so encouraged by the responses I received but let me tell you – it means more to me that someone else gained something from reading the words I spill out on a page. What I have mentioned so many times before is that the hardest yet easiest part of this life we must learn to accept is that, WE ARE NOT ALONE. Strength comes in numbers. As the bible tells us where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name, there I am. God is good and He is always good – sometimes we just have to keep telling ourselves those words over and over again to believe them with blind faith. God did not promise us an easy life, but He did promise us a fulfilled life – a FULL life. So, as I mentioned last week there are 5 or 7 different stages of grief. I chose the 7 because I feel like I relate the most to these “categories” of stages. I left last week, with me in the second phase – pain and guilt. To be honest I linger in the pain and guilt phase too much. I am one that tends to pile guilt on myself. I am the one that apologizes and I’m not sure why, consistently accepting that it must be my fault. Guilt for things I might be doing as well as guilt for things I’m not doing. Guilt that is at conflict with itself – like the guilt of being an absentee working mom yet guilt for sacrificing my nights with my husband for my kids. The point of pain and guilt is it’s a trap. It will suffocate you – I had to be strong – I had to pull for Hattie but then came anger.

3. Anger and Bargaining

We live in a broken world. A place where bad things happen daily. Pain and inequality are rampant. It’s easy to feel angry. It’s easy to be mad. I had many days where I literally could utter no words just screams at the Lord. I would be driving down the road just yelling at the Lord for putting me in this place. How could He let me down like this? How could He allow my baby to suffer, be different, be in pain, be “not normal”? What did I do to deserve this? I am not equipped nor able to handle this. Just because I’m in the medical field Lord doesn’t mean that I should have a child that has so many medical needs. Why? Why? Why?

Why was the constant question. “Why” fed into my insecurities and my doubts about if this God is really good. “Why” is what fed the question of how this could happen – I never received that answer. I would bargain with God – if I just pray more, maybe if we gave more – could you miraculously make my baby healthy and whole. Could you stop this journey you have started with our family? Could you just make things easier?

I like to look back at that season and laugh a little. I Grew A LOT. Anger was important for me in this season because it allowed me to feel the grief and feel the pain of loss. It gave me an emotional connection to this traumatic event in my life so that I could encounter God. Even in the bible Jesus felt loss and anger – I go to Gethsemane. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death”, Jesus says. He falls to his face and prays, “Take this cup from me”, but He knew God and knew Gods will needed to be fulfilled to save us all. Anger is an emotion we must have to feel the loss, but It isn’t going to enable you to take the next step forward. Instead it’s going to kill the Joy that can come in the morning. Being angry makes you bitter, but if used as a step it can make you move toward strength. I didn’t want to go out of the house – I didn’t even want to sit in the waiting room at therapy because I might have to talk to someone about why I was there. Crowded places irritated me. I was not myself. I could feel my Joy slipping. I could feel myself allowing Joy to be stripped by the thief of comparison. Comparison is one of those thieves you don’t see coming…It’s quiet…Its manipulative and boy…can it steal so much of your life. In truth, I was comparing what my eyes could see but not what the TRUTH was.

4. Depression

Depression doesn’t get enough media attention. I believe in recent years it has continued to get more and I can’t preach HOW IMPORTANT it is for others to recognize signs of depression in our loved ones and close friends – most importantly the uncommon signs/ the often missed subtle signs that those trapped in the bogs of depression will often give off as a sign of help. Depression – the word itself is heavy – it weighs on your tongue and your chest.

Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection. “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”

Synonyms:

melancholy misery sadness unhappiness dejection

sorrow woe gloom downheartedness

despondency dispiritedness moroseness discouragement despair

moodiness pessimism hopelessness tearfulness upset

Now grief from loss and a clinical depression are two different things and I believe that is important to distinguish between the two. Grief from loss/Bereavement is temporary (less than 2 months) and one’s self-esteem is preserved. Pyschiatry.org clarified it for me in a very simple way, see below:

Depression Is Different From Sadness or Grief/Bereavement

The death of a loved one, loss of a job or the ending of a relationship (or for Kaet Loss of a normal child) are all difficult experiences for a person to endure. It is normal for feelings of sadness or grief to develop in response to such situations. Those experiencing loss often might describe themselves as being “depressed.”

But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:

In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.
In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
For some people, the death of a loved one can bring on major depression. Losing a job or being a victim of a physical assault or a major disaster can lead to depression for some people. When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression. Despite some overlap between grief and depression, they are different. Distinguishing between them can help people get the help, support or treatment they need.

Identifying yourself between bereavement “loss” and a major depressive episode is important. The most important aspect is that one’s self-esteem stays intact. Now as I have already stated as part of the grief stages guilt such as “I should’ve done more” or “I let this person down” are a typical step in the process but recognizing when you or someone else has become constantly critical of oneself or commenting that they are “worthless” or are “of no value” to anyone or themselves.

I included a table that I thought was helpful by putting the two categories side by side from the American Family Physician (aafp.org) regarding this issue below:

Table 1. Differentiating Normal Bereavement from Major Depressive Episode (AFFP.org)

*CHARACTERISTIC*	*BEREAVEMENT*	*MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE*
Pattern	Waves or pangs of grief associated with thoughts or reminders of the deceased that are likely to spread further apart over time	Negative emotions experienced continually over time
Predominant affect	Emptiness and loss accompanied by occasional pleasant emotions	Pervasive depressed mood and the inability to anticipate happiness or pleasure
Self-esteem	Typically preserved, but if self-derogatory thoughts are present they usually involve perceived failings in relationship to the deceased (e.g., not visiting the deceased more often, failing to communicate their love enough to the deceased)	Critical toward self, feelings of worthlessness, and self-loathing
Sociability	Maintains connections with family and friends who have ability to console	Withdraws from others physically and emotionally and has difficulty being consoled
Thoughts	Preoccupation with thoughts and memories of the deceased; tends to be hopeful	Self-critical or pessimistic thoughts; tends to be hopeless
Thoughts of death or suicide	Thoughts of death and dying focused on the deceased and perhaps reuniting with the deceased	Explicit suicidal thoughts related to feelings of worthlessness, a belief that one is undeserving of life, or a sense that one is no longer able to cope with the pain of depression
Triggers	Depressed mood triggered by thoughts or reminders of the deceased	Depressed mood not tied to specific thoughts or preoccupations

Ok. So now that I’ve put that out there let’s go into how my depressive stage of losing the normalcy of Hattie presented itself. In a recent podcast I was listening to the they were talking about the Neuropsych point of view of life breaking events. The speaker spoke to the importance of allowing yourself to experience the full grief of your loss in order to be able to fully heal through Jesus. I fully agree that it is not just an action that we take or a book that we read but a restorative emotional event that we must have with Jesus and ourselves regarding this brokenness in order to fully heal and step forward. For myself, Crying was my first reaction and I did a lot of it in the first year of Hattie’s, and my new life of “24/7” together. I cried at commercials. I cried at Disney movies. I cried at the thought of Holidays with my special babies. I cried at the things that I had “lost” but never really had. I did have days when it took everything to just take a shower. A win for me was putting on clothes other than athleisure wear or putting makeup on my face. There were so many days when I would have a hard time calling my own family because I just wanted quiet and to not deal with the reality that I was currently living. I’m the type that I LOVE being alone. I’m a homebody. Events with a lot of people tend to drain me not fill me. My husband is the opposite which often puts us in a hard place. He gives up some nights where I pull myself together and get out on others. Most importantly my husband recognized that I was beginning to isolate myself TOO much. He would come home from work and notice that I hadn’t changed my clothes ALL day – multiple days in a row…it was more than just pajama Tuesday…it was pajama every day. I started to have to REALLY think about when the last time I showered was (I know. But Life.)

My husband stepped in at this moment and was a big hero for me. He encouraged me to find someone to come into our home once a week and allow me a few hours to go and “do something.” I immediately withdrew from this because “I could handle everything” but slowly the thought of freedom outside the home without 3 toddlers sounded glorious. The Lord was amazing and placed a precious girl in our lives named Maddie. Maddie didn’t know how big this was for me or maybe she did – but I started to slowly emerge from my homemade cocoon. I put on real pants, not the first day (lets be real) but maybe the second week lol. I think the first free day I took – I went to the grocery store. I mean what mom doesn’t love no toddlers and the freedom of whole foods. I got some coffee. I rolled the windows down and put the sunroof back. I remembered that I was Kaet before I was momma. I remembered that I liked other drinks besides coffee. I remembered that I loved the beach and I loved the beach in the winter/early spring. Looking back, I remember that was the turn for me. I started to remember who I was before all this and that Kaet would choose Joy. Kaet would choose Jesus. Kaet would choose a positive outlook. I chose at that moment that I would strive to EXPECT NOTHING AND ANTICIPATE EVERYTHING for Hattie.

These topics are so important to discuss – Going through the darker stages of this process is rough but crucial/necessary to our growth – It is where the true healing really takes place. Often it is said that Jesus only lives in the light, but I believe He slips into the dark with as a catalyst to bring us all back to the light.

If you or someone close to you is struggling with not just bereavement but depression – Reach out to someone – Talk with your medical provider – Talk with a Friend – Talk with a Pastor – DM me – Talk with a counselor. Community and Support is Key to your Healing and Growth.

Blessings –

Kaet