I’ll be honest….somedays just suck no matter what you do. You get in a rut and just literally can’t seem to be able to pull yourself up – and the more I walk through this life, I realize that’s ok. I found myself in the past being hard on myself for feeling hard on myself – seriously a twisted circle. There are days when I don’t put on real clothes and my house is a mess, and I’m not betty homemaker AND my mommying game is DEFINTELY not on point but God still thinks I’m pretty amazing…and I’m settled and hopeful in that.
Hope 1. A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 2. A feeling of trust.
There are days when hope is all that carries me – I’m literally on my like 18th cup of coffee after a nightshift with no sleep and I look at my girls and think “my hope is they love Jesus…and aren’t crappy people even though I’m struggling today” (I know that’s aweinspiring) but then they smile or hug me or share (huge for 4 and 2) or encourage Hattie and I’m suddenly lifted up. There is so much that can bring hope but somedays as quickly as I cling to that hope I can allow darkness in the form of Grief to come in.
Grief 1.deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. 2. Trouble or annoyance
When I was first told that Hattie wasn’t “normal” – I had to actually call in to work (which my husband will attest to NEVER happens). I was a hot mess – crying nonstop when I was alone or just with Hattie (I didn’t want my older girls to be upset). I felt this overwhelming sadness – but WHY? My child was ALIVE and HEALTHY. I really wrestled with this thought. I was speaking (well more like sobbing) to my dad one day and he said something that stuck “Kaet – you are just grieving the loss of normality. It’s ok, it’s part of the process.” At this point we really had a LOT of scary things pending – like tests that could ultimately mean she would lose her life before the age of 1 and it was terrifying. But how could I have grieve, no one had died….no one had hurt our family…there was nothing tragic… How could I feel so much sadness with a beautiful family, living in a too nice home with an amazing church, job and family. I avoided social media because every time I would get on and see those “Look at my baby, he/she is so smart…(insert some milestone here)” it literally stung me to my core. I avoided seeing babies around the same age at work because it too would make it worse (which was hard because I tend to see the kids because I have so many lol). I would cry out to God asking those WHY questions and felt like silence was His only answer. My hope was drowning….my heart felt far away and it was angry – whew was it angry and I yelled. I yelled a couple times directly at God (sorry about that) – and then something shifted. Slowly and steadily the more I yelled, sobbed, got mad – I began to release and would shift towards Hope. Not necessarily hope that Hattie would be miraculously healed because we do live in a fallen world and I know that not all things can be healed but that my family could rise up for her. There was a moment one day in the car when I was frustrated, angry and sad and I began to cry. It was a hopeless moment and then I realized it was Wednesday and I wasn’t alone in my van. I not only had Hattie but sweet Isla Kate was in the car too. She quickly asked “Momma you ok? Momma why you crying?” I sniffled and tried to explain to my 2yr old that I was sad a little about Hattie. Without a moment pause she said “Momma, Hattie going be ok – I’m gonna take care of her.” Bam! HOPE – what a powerful thing. Trusting that no matter what – there is a next step, one foot in front of the other.
Grief is a part of the process. It is a part of healing, it is a part of moving forward – it is a seed that helps to plant new hope. I do believe without a doubt that God will send the rain to water this seed, even when it is from the most unexpected places – like a tiny 2yr old in the backseat. Sadness or Grief is a hard thing to admit that we have – for whatever reasons the idea that someone can be sad is like taboo in this culture but then again the worldly culture hates truth, love and real feelings. Following Jesus is about living in the world but not of the world. Being part of the culture to inspire the culture by choosing love. It will not spare us from feeling sadness but it keeps us LOVING endlessly. Having TRUE feelings and being a REAL person – that means that sometimes sadness/grief is a part of our story. Embrace your grief and search for Hope. Ask for help if you can’t take it on all by yourself – those people are often the rainmakers that will help bring forth those seeds of Hope. No matter how alone you might feel – You aren’t.
There are still days that grief will knock on the door – life events for Hattie or the girls are big triggers for me but I’m better. I don’t sob but I do stop and breathe. I know rain is still on the horizon but I’m ready for it and through all things Our Hands will Go Up.
And speaking of Joy – the lord continually surprises ALL of us – Baby BOY Jetton Due May 2018
-Kaetlin