JOY comes in the morning -Grieving the Loss of Normalcy Part 3

“He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness” – Alexandre Dumas

The last few blogs have been on the heavier side, but I believe with all of my being that the are vital for all to be talking about in this dark world we live in. So many people choose (I’m guilty of this) to bottle up these emotions and not talk about them out loud/with others. Before we know it, thonse undiscussed emotions and feelings that sit so heavy in our hearts start seeping out into all the things around us. I’m currently doing a great bible study with Nicky Gumble of reading the bible in one year – it has me simultaneously processing through the old/new testament and psalms/proverbs. So many times, Jesus speaks about the words of our mouth being an outpouring of the condition of our heart. How can we not expect ourselves to speak sadness when our heart is mourning/crying/struggling?

As with all things Hattie, as I processed, I just watched her and looked AT her to see her heart in all this sadness/confusion/loss. What I realized was more than anything Hattie wanted 1 thing – Love. She didn’t seem to mind her stationary life one bit. Here I was grieving “the normal” life for her while she was across the room living her best life. She knew LOVE. What greater gift is there than Love. It is what the Lord commands for us. It is the universal language that connects all beings. It is what Jesus did every step of his life on earth. The upward turn for me was recognizing that I needed to truly start looking upward and identifying love.

5. The upward turn and 6. Reconstruction and working through

There begun to become moments where James and I truly began to look at Hattie “different.” Instead of comparing her to the child she should’ve/would’ve been, we began to look at the child she was – the child we had been gifted and given. What part of God’s image was He showing us through her? She was not a mistake – She was not made by accident this way. The miracle that Hattie is who she is and is a living/breathing smiling little 3 year old now is a miracle of genetics. Her genetic code was not “perfect” yet here she was fully formed in my womb. How was He speaking to us through her? Hattie has 4 words, yet Hattie can light up an entire room (she can break one down as well – if she’s sassy) with just her eyes/excitement and body language. She lifts her little hands up towards the heavens and I believe God sends a special and unique light down upon her. I feel like she can see things in us that we often are blinded to seeing within ourselves.

As we began to see the grief slowly lifting from our initial process – we began to piece together and reconstruct our “new vision” of life and began to plan for whatever future each new day brought. My anxiety is still real and ready to pounce most days – but I was able to slowly let go of the clinched fist of inability to control things and realize that I truly have no control and that’s ok. The more I could let out of my grasp the more my spirit could find peace and calming. I know that she is mine for whatever time her plan is to be on this broken earth. I began to take on each day as one more day I could enjoy and learn from her and my other children. She was part of this family – our 3^rd wheel literally – and I had to embrace the reality that she could just fall into the picture of what was, and not always have to be the center of what is. She gives us such incredible perspective of God. We began to work through this concept of Gods image and piece together an even bigger and greater God than what we could have ever originally seen and known. She was a gift that we have been given for whatever time she may be here with us – We would expect nothing and anticipate everything – and in ALL things OUR HANDS WOULD GO UP.

7. Acceptance and Hope

So, there it was – our acceptance. Our peace in who she is and what she might be. Our little Hattie K with her blonde curls, infectious giggle, radiant smile and sassy little personality. She is a hope to all who know her. She is a little light shining in an often very dark place and she does it without having words. What a great testament to the language of LOVE and who we are all designed to be from our innermost simplistic being.

Jesus tells us of 2 commandments.

To love God
To love one another

Hattie has her own little language, but I believe she does both of these to the fullest. Her little hugs will literally lift your heart out of any dark spot. It is a special light and a special gifting that she has uniquely been given.

Hope: A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

A feeling of trust

For us, to Hope is to know that our expectation of Hattie is for her to ALWAYS know that she is Loved and Loved for who she is. We have a feeling of trust in the Lord that His plan is good and with all the trials of this life, He equips us with just the right tools in our toolbox to use to further His good works.

There are days that I slip back into the anger/depression stage or “circle of pain” as I lovingly refer to it as – but I remember the Hope that lives with the life that Hattie lives every day. She gets frustrated and I know feels emotions deeper than I have the ability to understand but I also know that she knows who she is and knows who she was designed to be. I accept the gift that I have been given even when I don’t fully understand why or how I could possibly be equipped for this.

My biggest prayers are for those who are stuck in any of these certain stages, especially those trapped in anger, disbelief, grief or depression, that there is a Hope in all things. There is a future, there is a next step – even if it may feel like 1cm step in front of the other – it is a way forward. It is the hardest to step on a path where the road is narrow, consistently winding and the ending is unknown but the only way to find out the ending….is to step forward. If you believe in the Lord, He will meet you there. Even when we find ourselves distracted by the winds and the waves of life; Jesus is there with his hand out waiting to calm the storm. We don’t have to have all the answers because He provides the map. Day to Day things will change – unforeseen events will continue to happen. Tragedy will occur. Pain lives in a world that is broken but JOY comes in the morning. Choose Joy. Look for the joy in your current grief today – maybe it’s a red cardinal on your window, or the sound of the ocean, or your favorite crazy fun song played way too loud with your windows down –that joy stone will help pave the way for your road out of grief tomorrow. One foot in front of the other, one stone stacked with your face turned upward.

Expect nothing and anticipate everything – Our Hands Go Up