big family

I Hate Cancer

~ ourhandsgoup ~ 17 Comments

There are days that I hate Leukemia.  I truly hate it.  I get in a place where I just want to punch it.  It’s often on the inpatient hospital days where the room is filled with silence and I have been away from my kids and husband for multiple days and nights.  I just want to be with them.  Then to pacify my time I go on social media and I see all the people living their lives as if nothing is happening.  They are going out, attending parties, going on vacations, going out for drinks, sending their kids to school, going on date nights, going to the gym, going to work and I’m in bed with a hospital bracelet being pumped full of chemo or medicines.  Not that any of these things are “wrong” they are just so far from where my life is right now that It’s unimaginable.  I would give anything to be “living my life” and not stuck in a hospital room isolated from the world.  

Due to the pandemic, Leukemia, then Stem Cell and my always neutropenic status – I have not “lived” the same life as anyone on my social media feed for almost an entire year.  I don’t leave my house except to go to the hospital, the doctor or to pick up my groceries or maybe grab some curbside dinner.  I have not eaten in a restaurant since May 2020 for my anniversary with my husband.  It was an amazing night celebrating our anniversary, which to our surprise was paid for by an amazing mother of a student James had influenced as a thank you.  Boy, did she not realize what a HUGE blessing that meal would be for James and me.  Literally our last date before I was diagnosed with cancer and stripped away for 6 months.  I have not attended a birthday party since 2019.  My children have had to be homeschooled with the exception of Hattie due to her special need for therapy since March 2019 – they don’t love this and complain about it often.  They beg us to go to school, but we continue to say no to keep mama safe.  They fuss but ultimately due understand and want to keep mama out of the hospital, so they soldier on and are so brave.  Due to all of the chemo and the stem cell, my bone marrow is damaged, and my cell counts don’t recover which means I stay very immunocompromised all the time.  I am not allowed to be around children under 12 unless they are my own.  We can’t own or get a new pet.  I can’t take out the trash or change diapers (terrible…I know).  I don’t know what the next day or 2 weeks in front of me will look like or where I will be.  There is so much uncertainty in my life – the only certain thing is change.  Do I dream about my future? Do I imagine growing old with my husband or will I be gone in a few months, a year or a few years?  How do you live your life with such uncertainty about all things?

I miss my husband.  I miss his goofy laugh.  I miss how he just knows and feels when I am down and can make me smile in the darkest of moments.  He and I have been separated more this year then we have been in our entire marriage.  He has missed being able to care for me in my lowest of moments because he needed to be the rock for our children.  He sacrificed caring for me in order to keep stability in an everchanging sea of unknowns for our children.  He has become a single parent.  He has had to learn to cook.  He has had to adjust to life suddenly without a wife.  We both have had to have conversations with our children that we never in our wildest dreams thought we would.  We’ve had to explain death to a seven and five-year-old child and how it relates to their mama whom they hold more precious than gold.  They have asked him “all the mommies that get sick in movies die daddy…Is that going to happen to mama?”

I hate cancer and I love God.  That’s an even deeper dichotomy.  So many times, I want to be angry and stay angry.  I demand to know the end of the story.  I want Him to show me why there is so much pain and tragedy in my family’s story.  I don’t feel like my time on earth is done and I have so many questions – and days will go by that I hear nothing from Him.  There are periods of time when my spiritual life feels drier than a desert under the midday sun.  I tell Him that I don’t feel prepared for this walk.  That I didn’t see this path coming at all.  I ask the Why questions over and over again without answer.  I begin to get discouraged and scared – and then I remind myself that He is Good and faithful.  That he cares for those that love Him.  That He carries my burdens, If I simply ask.  That I am not alone in the fire, but He is there with me.  That I am not alone in the chemo, but He is there with me.  That I am not alone in the quiet hospital room, but He is there with me.  I am reminded of the precious gifts that He has placed in my life who continually bring me laughter and joy.  I am reminded of the special gift that Hattie is and how seeing her progress even the tiniest little bit is a miracle every day and it overwhelms my dry spirit and floods it with rain.  I think of how He paired me with such an amazing partner in this life and convinced him to persue a broken person such as myself.  

No matter how much I hate cancer, God hates cancer more.  His heart breaks for what breaks mine.  His promise of healing is undeniable, but He gives no promise of timing.  How I wished I knew the day and time this battle would end.  That this incredibly hard season might become a little lighter, but He doesn’t reveal this entire map of my life – He just points me in the next right direction. He will cover my children because it’s a promise He’s made with me after many many prayers for protection.  It will be ok.  I have to believe there is a mighty story for Jesus on the other side of this silence and loneliness because God can turn what looks evil to good.  He promised a rainbow around my family and I believe this promise with all my heart.  He has spoken the right words over me so many times.  He has connected me with so many hearts and opened new hearts to pray and hear Him for the first time.  Am I promised tomorrow – no – and that’s what makes living today without hearing my precious children’s voices and touching my loving husband so incredibly difficult BUT I know that I have loved well.

James 1:2

Peace and Love – Kaet

Impossible Tasks

~ ourhandsgoup ~ 1 Comment

So many people I love have asked in the last few weeks “How are you doing?”  Sometimes I say tired, sometimes I say “as expected” with a smile, sometimes I laugh and say we are making it. What I don’t yell out in response is the constant internal dialogue that is literally screaming day in and day out for the past few weeks – gradually getting louder and louder instead of quieter.

As a medical provider, I have an internal dialogue of constant doubt/fear/anxiety.  I laugh and joke about my differential diagnosis always being “corona” but truth is…it’s the truth.  I can’t decide if my chest pain/pressure or shortness of breath is my constant giant amount of anxiety or actual illness. I fear for my family, I fear for my patients, I fear for my colleagues.  I stay awake at night wondering if I might be the vector that brings this virus home to my family or gives it to my higher risk collegues.  It’s not only the patients I see…but its the people out in public I don’t see coming that are the threat.  That is the reality of this virus.  It’s an unseen enemy that might come when I least expect it.  I work at an amazing facility where our leaders and our ER leader is working herself to the bone to protect her staff and patients – but what about that quick grocery trip for essentials…did I wash my hands, touch my face and inoculate myself.  This fear is just not with the medical community, it’s an impossible task for us all.

As a mother – especially one who is working – This new normal is an impossible task.  I became a working mom and not a stay at home mom for a reason.  What we all have been asked to do is impossible – we are taking on roles that ask more of us than sometimes we feel we have.  Not only are we going to work – or attempting to work from home – we are becoming teachers, and therapists.  We are trying to digest this “new normality” mentally ourselves while also being the solid support and ground for our children that need consistency so desperately.  Homeschooling while also working is placing me in a role I never wanted to take on.  As parents we are being asked to fulfill all the roles for our children’s lives. It’s confusing and down right difficult.  We have to transition to teacher every day – our teachers are turning into mentors and online educators with no experience and no time.  I have literally gone through 3 printer ink cartridges in 3 weeks and I have only 3 children!  I have friends who have 5+ kids that are dealing with transitions that are impossible to surmount.  This is not just a strange time…it’s a tasking time.  I am not a preschool teacher – I am a pretend stay at home mom on my best day and I work full time…This is hard.  I am spending my nights making “busy books” and scrolling through pinterest for lesson plans and next weeks schedule where I used to be sleeping or vegging out on my favorite TV show.  I will say that it has helped that we cancelled Netflix right before this (although watching Tiger King sounds amazing right now) because it has helped to foster a shift in my focus.  My children are priorities.  My mind is stretching and We are going to make it.  We are going to walk through this fire and know that our kids are going to be better on the other end.  I have to believe this truth.

As a spouse – this is even harder.  This is weird.  We are around each other ALL THE TIME.  We knew how to parent in our daily life/routine with the constant  back and forth – SOOO  how do we parent when its 24-7 US at home trying to work and live and set healthy boundaries.  When the babies were newborns we would notify each other when we just needed an infant break or a individual moment by saying “TAP OUT, TAP OUT.”  I feel like we are returning back to this.  Sometimes in this new chaos we all just need to TAP OUT for a moment to digest all that we are taking on our shoulders.  And Intimacy…Lets all laugh for a moment.  At the end of the day we collapse in bed – I don’t know who is going to supply this baby boom they keep talking about in 9 months but its not going to be the parents of multiple children locked at home bored and homeschooling.  I snort laugh out loud just thinking about it.   We are collapsing in bed at the end of the day with our list continuing to pile high and our house in complete chaos thankful we are healthy and alive all while being overwhelmed with this new normal. We are trying to have adult conversations over quick bites of food and laundry folding.  James and I keep saying we are going to make it on the porch for a dinner date after the kids go to bed…we will keep saying it.  This is an impossible task but we are going to believe that in the end it will bring us closer.

God is good.  Joy is chosen.  Peace is given.  Our path is known by a creator who loves us and draws us near to Him.  God gives us the capability to do the Impossible things – He speaks to us through scripture with this exact word “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.”  He is the waymaker.  He promises blessings over our family.  He casts out anxiety.  

We will make it. We will be stronger.  We will learn the impossible Tasks. But we must not forget in this season of isolation that IT’S OK to feel overhwelmed, alone, sad, anxious – write it out, reach out, talk it out with those you know or anonymous through telehealth.  Fear will win if we allow the normal feelings of this time to consume us and control us – Take action against the impossible and choose your path.  

James and I have started on a venture as group leaders with Nothing is Wasted Ministries.  There are online community groups for individuals to join to be in community with others with similar life stories.  Churches around the world are offering online small groups.  Telehealth visits are running at a 20$ flat fee for our facility.  Find someway to talk this out and know its ok, its ok to feel like we can’t do everything. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed. Its ok to grieve the loss of normalcy and to be sad for the things we can’t celebrate. But in the End, We will all come out stronger, wiser and braver than we ever thought we could be. Happy Quarantining People –

Peace and Joy

-Kaet

Meatless Lasagna Rollups

~ ourhandsgoup

So I have started to cook more and more – Have truly begun to really enjoy it more and I think I’m getting better at it. I wanted to start incorporating into our website our “Go to Recipes” that we use. Our meals are a little different in that Hattie has a limited diet and can only eat soft foods still very finely cut up. She has a harder time with ground beef so we have tried to leave it out when we can. I came across this recipe from https://www.cookingclassy.com/lasagna-roll-ups/ and adapted it for our family. I also LOVE a recipe I can eat one and freeze one – So here it goes!

Meatless Lasagna Rollups (1 to freeze and 1 for now)

Ingredients

  • 2 Tbsp olive oil , divided
  • 1/4 cup finely chopped yellow onion
  • 1 (28 oz) can crushed tomatoes
  • 3 cloves garlic , minced
  • 3 Tbsp chopped fresh basil or 2 tsp dried basil* , plus more for serving
  • 1/2 tsp dried oregano
  • Salt and freshly ground black pepper , to taste
  • 1 (15 oz) container ricotta cheese
  • 1 large egg
  • 3 Tbsp fresh flat leaf parsley , chopped, plus more for serving (or 2tsp dried parsley*)
  • 2 1/2 cups freshly grated mozzarella cheese , divided
  • 1 1/2 cup freshly , finely grated Parmesan cheese, divided
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
  • 12 uncooked lasagna noodles

2 – 9×9 glass baking dishes

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Drizzle one tablespoon olive oil into a large non-stick fry pan. Heat over medium high heat, add chopped onions and cook mixture stirring occasionally, until browned.
  2. To the frying pan – Add crushed tomatoes, minced garlic, basil, oregano and 1 tablespoon olive oil and stir. Season sauce with salt and pepper to taste then cover with a lid and simmer over low heat while preparing pasta and cheese mixture.
  3. Cook lasagna noodles in a large pot of boiling water along with 1 tsp salt and 2 tablespoon olive oil to al dente according to directions listed on package.
  4. Once noodles are cooked, drain and line noodles in a single layer on waxed paper or cookie sheets sprayed lightly with non-stick cooking spray. (I rinsed with cool water and laid on parchment paper and it worked great)
  5. Prepare cheese mixture (I do this while pasta is cooking) by stirring together ricotta cheese, egg, 1/4 tsp salt and 1/4 tsp pepper with a fork in a large mixing bowl until well combine.
  6. Stir in chopped fresh parsley. Add in 2 cups grated mozzarella cheese, 1 cup Parmesan cheese, stir mixture until well combine.
  7. Stir red sauce and spread 1/3 cup into each 9×9 square glass baking dishes. 
  8. Spread 1/4 cup cheese mixture evenly onto each cooked lasagna noodle (it will be a thin layer), then spread 1 heaping tablespoon red sauce along the top of cheese covered noodle.
  9. Roll noodles up jellyroll style and arrange seam side down in baking dish (I am able to do 9 rolls to each pan)
  10. Cover rolled noodles with remaining Red sauce then sprinkle remaining 1/2 cup Mozzarella cheese and 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese evenly over roll-ups. 
  11. Tent baking dish with foil to the 1 casserole you are baking now (don’t allow foil to rest on cheese or it will stick you just want to loosely tent to prevent the cheese from browning)  
  12. Wrap foil tightly over the one that you are freezing – I write the date, and baking instructions in permanent ink as well  – Then place the lid over or an additional layer of plastic wrap – Place in freezer for up to  at least 3months.  I will thaw it overnight in fridge the day before baking!
  13. THE ONE FOR NOW – Bake for 35 minutes in preheated oven. Serve warm garnished with chopped fresh basil and parsley (if you have it***I often do not and just sprinkle with dried basil)