There are days that I hate Leukemia. I truly hate it. I get in a place where I just want to punch it. It’s often on the inpatient hospital days where the room is filled with silence and I have been away from my kids and husband for multiple days and nights. I just want to be with them. Then to pacify my time I go on social media and I see all the people living their lives as if nothing is happening. They are going out, attending parties, going on vacations, going out for drinks, sending their kids to school, going on date nights, going to the gym, going to work and I’m in bed with a hospital bracelet being pumped full of chemo or medicines. Not that any of these things are “wrong” they are just so far from where my life is right now that It’s unimaginable. I would give anything to be “living my life” and not stuck in a hospital room isolated from the world.
Due to the pandemic, Leukemia, then Stem Cell and my always neutropenic status – I have not “lived” the same life as anyone on my social media feed for almost an entire year. I don’t leave my house except to go to the hospital, the doctor or to pick up my groceries or maybe grab some curbside dinner. I have not eaten in a restaurant since May 2020 for my anniversary with my husband. It was an amazing night celebrating our anniversary, which to our surprise was paid for by an amazing mother of a student James had influenced as a thank you. Boy, did she not realize what a HUGE blessing that meal would be for James and me. Literally our last date before I was diagnosed with cancer and stripped away for 6 months. I have not attended a birthday party since 2019. My children have had to be homeschooled with the exception of Hattie due to her special need for therapy since March 2019 – they don’t love this and complain about it often. They beg us to go to school, but we continue to say no to keep mama safe. They fuss but ultimately due understand and want to keep mama out of the hospital, so they soldier on and are so brave. Due to all of the chemo and the stem cell, my bone marrow is damaged, and my cell counts don’t recover which means I stay very immunocompromised all the time. I am not allowed to be around children under 12 unless they are my own. We can’t own or get a new pet. I can’t take out the trash or change diapers (terrible…I know). I don’t know what the next day or 2 weeks in front of me will look like or where I will be. There is so much uncertainty in my life – the only certain thing is change. Do I dream about my future? Do I imagine growing old with my husband or will I be gone in a few months, a year or a few years? How do you live your life with such uncertainty about all things?
I miss my husband. I miss his goofy laugh. I miss how he just knows and feels when I am down and can make me smile in the darkest of moments. He and I have been separated more this year then we have been in our entire marriage. He has missed being able to care for me in my lowest of moments because he needed to be the rock for our children. He sacrificed caring for me in order to keep stability in an everchanging sea of unknowns for our children. He has become a single parent. He has had to learn to cook. He has had to adjust to life suddenly without a wife. We both have had to have conversations with our children that we never in our wildest dreams thought we would. We’ve had to explain death to a seven and five-year-old child and how it relates to their mama whom they hold more precious than gold. They have asked him “all the mommies that get sick in movies die daddy…Is that going to happen to mama?”
I hate cancer and I love God. That’s an even deeper dichotomy. So many times, I want to be angry and stay angry. I demand to know the end of the story. I want Him to show me why there is so much pain and tragedy in my family’s story. I don’t feel like my time on earth is done and I have so many questions – and days will go by that I hear nothing from Him. There are periods of time when my spiritual life feels drier than a desert under the midday sun. I tell Him that I don’t feel prepared for this walk. That I didn’t see this path coming at all. I ask the Why questions over and over again without answer. I begin to get discouraged and scared – and then I remind myself that He is Good and faithful. That he cares for those that love Him. That He carries my burdens, If I simply ask. That I am not alone in the fire, but He is there with me. That I am not alone in the chemo, but He is there with me. That I am not alone in the quiet hospital room, but He is there with me. I am reminded of the precious gifts that He has placed in my life who continually bring me laughter and joy. I am reminded of the special gift that Hattie is and how seeing her progress even the tiniest little bit is a miracle every day and it overwhelms my dry spirit and floods it with rain. I think of how He paired me with such an amazing partner in this life and convinced him to persue a broken person such as myself.
No matter how much I hate cancer, God hates cancer more. His heart breaks for what breaks mine. His promise of healing is undeniable, but He gives no promise of timing. How I wished I knew the day and time this battle would end. That this incredibly hard season might become a little lighter, but He doesn’t reveal this entire map of my life – He just points me in the next right direction. He will cover my children because it’s a promise He’s made with me after many many prayers for protection. It will be ok. I have to believe there is a mighty story for Jesus on the other side of this silence and loneliness because God can turn what looks evil to good. He promised a rainbow around my family and I believe this promise with all my heart. He has spoken the right words over me so many times. He has connected me with so many hearts and opened new hearts to pray and hear Him for the first time. Am I promised tomorrow – no – and that’s what makes living today without hearing my precious children’s voices and touching my loving husband so incredibly difficult BUT I know that I have loved well.
James 1:2
Peace and Love – Kaet
