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Impossible Tasks

~ ourhandsgoup ~ 1 Comment

So many people I love have asked in the last few weeks “How are you doing?”  Sometimes I say tired, sometimes I say “as expected” with a smile, sometimes I laugh and say we are making it. What I don’t yell out in response is the constant internal dialogue that is literally screaming day in and day out for the past few weeks – gradually getting louder and louder instead of quieter.

As a medical provider, I have an internal dialogue of constant doubt/fear/anxiety.  I laugh and joke about my differential diagnosis always being “corona” but truth is…it’s the truth.  I can’t decide if my chest pain/pressure or shortness of breath is my constant giant amount of anxiety or actual illness. I fear for my family, I fear for my patients, I fear for my colleagues.  I stay awake at night wondering if I might be the vector that brings this virus home to my family or gives it to my higher risk collegues.  It’s not only the patients I see…but its the people out in public I don’t see coming that are the threat.  That is the reality of this virus.  It’s an unseen enemy that might come when I least expect it.  I work at an amazing facility where our leaders and our ER leader is working herself to the bone to protect her staff and patients – but what about that quick grocery trip for essentials…did I wash my hands, touch my face and inoculate myself.  This fear is just not with the medical community, it’s an impossible task for us all.

As a mother – especially one who is working – This new normal is an impossible task.  I became a working mom and not a stay at home mom for a reason.  What we all have been asked to do is impossible – we are taking on roles that ask more of us than sometimes we feel we have.  Not only are we going to work – or attempting to work from home – we are becoming teachers, and therapists.  We are trying to digest this “new normality” mentally ourselves while also being the solid support and ground for our children that need consistency so desperately.  Homeschooling while also working is placing me in a role I never wanted to take on.  As parents we are being asked to fulfill all the roles for our children’s lives. It’s confusing and down right difficult.  We have to transition to teacher every day – our teachers are turning into mentors and online educators with no experience and no time.  I have literally gone through 3 printer ink cartridges in 3 weeks and I have only 3 children!  I have friends who have 5+ kids that are dealing with transitions that are impossible to surmount.  This is not just a strange time…it’s a tasking time.  I am not a preschool teacher – I am a pretend stay at home mom on my best day and I work full time…This is hard.  I am spending my nights making “busy books” and scrolling through pinterest for lesson plans and next weeks schedule where I used to be sleeping or vegging out on my favorite TV show.  I will say that it has helped that we cancelled Netflix right before this (although watching Tiger King sounds amazing right now) because it has helped to foster a shift in my focus.  My children are priorities.  My mind is stretching and We are going to make it.  We are going to walk through this fire and know that our kids are going to be better on the other end.  I have to believe this truth.

As a spouse – this is even harder.  This is weird.  We are around each other ALL THE TIME.  We knew how to parent in our daily life/routine with the constant  back and forth – SOOO  how do we parent when its 24-7 US at home trying to work and live and set healthy boundaries.  When the babies were newborns we would notify each other when we just needed an infant break or a individual moment by saying “TAP OUT, TAP OUT.”  I feel like we are returning back to this.  Sometimes in this new chaos we all just need to TAP OUT for a moment to digest all that we are taking on our shoulders.  And Intimacy…Lets all laugh for a moment.  At the end of the day we collapse in bed – I don’t know who is going to supply this baby boom they keep talking about in 9 months but its not going to be the parents of multiple children locked at home bored and homeschooling.  I snort laugh out loud just thinking about it.   We are collapsing in bed at the end of the day with our list continuing to pile high and our house in complete chaos thankful we are healthy and alive all while being overwhelmed with this new normal. We are trying to have adult conversations over quick bites of food and laundry folding.  James and I keep saying we are going to make it on the porch for a dinner date after the kids go to bed…we will keep saying it.  This is an impossible task but we are going to believe that in the end it will bring us closer.

God is good.  Joy is chosen.  Peace is given.  Our path is known by a creator who loves us and draws us near to Him.  God gives us the capability to do the Impossible things – He speaks to us through scripture with this exact word “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.”  He is the waymaker.  He promises blessings over our family.  He casts out anxiety.  

We will make it. We will be stronger.  We will learn the impossible Tasks. But we must not forget in this season of isolation that IT’S OK to feel overhwelmed, alone, sad, anxious – write it out, reach out, talk it out with those you know or anonymous through telehealth.  Fear will win if we allow the normal feelings of this time to consume us and control us – Take action against the impossible and choose your path.  

James and I have started on a venture as group leaders with Nothing is Wasted Ministries.  There are online community groups for individuals to join to be in community with others with similar life stories.  Churches around the world are offering online small groups.  Telehealth visits are running at a 20$ flat fee for our facility.  Find someway to talk this out and know its ok, its ok to feel like we can’t do everything. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed. Its ok to grieve the loss of normalcy and to be sad for the things we can’t celebrate. But in the End, We will all come out stronger, wiser and braver than we ever thought we could be. Happy Quarantining People –

Peace and Joy

-Kaet

Mama….it’s a mess

~ ourhandsgoup ~ 2 Comments

It’s been a little bit of time since I wrote on the blog, you know life with 4 kids 6 and under and 1 with special needs isn’t busy at all…but I had an urgent need to put some words to…well the blog (not to paper, lol).

I struggle….I am a type A, introvert with perfectionist tendencies…there I admitted it. James will laugh and say “tell me something I didn’t already know”. And with that comes A LOT of anxiety. This week I was down and out sick, like didn’t move from the couch for 2 days sick, which had not happened to me in quite a while. My hubby was a super hero and entertained the kids while I laid in quarantine for 2 whole days. It was fun, they were crazy BUT shocker… my hubby is not me. He doesn’t notice the mess like I do. He doesn’t notice the sock that is in the wrong bin like I do. Dishes don’t bother him as much as they do me. So when I emerged from the sick room, BAM…anxiety overload. “Mama, its a mess.” In that moment, I had to reallllyy stop myself. I often become the black tornado as it is lovingly called by my husband when I go into super mom clean up mode. My whole mood shifts. My focus becames hard and laser sharp…it;s not a peaceful place I go. And anxiety takes over. Someone lovingly laughed at me when I retold this story of the mess and said “but isn’t that the point of home, to let LIFE happen.”

How true and poignant are those words. How prophetic are those words. How easy it is a mothers to place this ungodly amount of pressure on ourselves to do all the things and check all the boxes because WHY? For me I think its because someone might come over to visit and discover that I don’t have it all together. But where does this pressure come from? Why do I allow my heart to be disturbed to the point of anger about something I really have no control over, it is part of the blessing of the LIFE I have with 4 creative children. I had a choice, I could yell and I could scream for my girls to “Be more responsible, clean up after themselves…how could they allow this to happen” but oh wait they are 6 and 4. OR I could breathe, accept the mess and love my kids, my husband, my messy life. Did we clean up together a little? yes. But did I chose Joy? yes Did I yell? No not for this time (we all know as mom this happens so just smile and nod.)

Jesus loved the biggest of messes. He chose some pretty messy disciples, like those he held closest to Him to spread the word after He was gone. He loved those that others often never saw. Jesus didn’t have anxiety or depression. Jesus had LIFE. What pressures we put on ourselves. What huge mounds of self-inflicted guilt we place on ourselves when we can’t do it all. I never really struggled with anxiety until the birth of Hattie. So many things were completely out of my control. Before Hattie, even with the girls I just let things roll off – I could pray and handle it. I did not have so much compassion and empathy for those who dealt with the burden of anxiety and depression UNTIL I lived it. Until I thought I was having a heart=attack because the weight of the anxiety I carried for my newest daughter was so heavy it laid on my chest like a rock. Until I felt like I was frozen and could not take one more step forward. Until I doubted the goodness of God and the devil slipped in thoughts that the reason Hattie was the way she was was because I did something wrong – did I not pray enough? Maybe I didn’t tithe enough? Maybe I was not living out my calling? The devil is a liar. He knew I was vulnerable, tired, exhausted and in a storm and he sought me. But so did the Lord and So did my husband. This new anxious life would not end with the end of my maternity leave but continues to be a battle I struggle with everyday. And through that battle, I learned that anxiety/depression is stealing so many stories. It is not anxiety that gives LIFE but Jesus. And at the end of the day, I have no control and I’m slowly accepting that. The messy life tends to feed that anxiety – Like somehow I’m not as good of a mom if my bed isn’t made but guess what I am. The Lord gave me this life for however long I may be in it and I will seek Joy in it. “As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after thee.” Lets encourage one another. Lets me slow to judge, slow to be angry and quick to love, forgive, pray and encourage. Lets be gracious and pray. Pray over the mama or dad that we see rushing, struggling, juggling when we see them next.

What kind of example do I want my kids to emulate? A peaceful mom with a mess or an angry mom with a home that’s sparkling clean. Now I do believe in chores and I do LOVE a sparkling clean home but I am going to re-evaluate HOW I get there. Small miracles happen EVERY day if we just take the load off our shoulders and Look for them. My kids woke up and said they loved me. They got dressed and went to schools where they have teachers who love on them all day (Thank the LORD for amazing teachers.). Mamas lets rest today. I know we read it all the time but for real….let that mess sit a little longer. Hug your spouse a little more instead of allowing the differences between you two to cause frustration. Appreciate the fact that you are different and thank the Lord for the gifts He has intricately designed in your significant other.

Stop the hustle, Stop the stress. Love yourself. Lay on that couch and know you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Discipline will be tomorrows topic 🙂

Blessings – Kaet