jesus

I Hate Cancer

~ ourhandsgoup ~ 17 Comments

There are days that I hate Leukemia.  I truly hate it.  I get in a place where I just want to punch it.  It’s often on the inpatient hospital days where the room is filled with silence and I have been away from my kids and husband for multiple days and nights.  I just want to be with them.  Then to pacify my time I go on social media and I see all the people living their lives as if nothing is happening.  They are going out, attending parties, going on vacations, going out for drinks, sending their kids to school, going on date nights, going to the gym, going to work and I’m in bed with a hospital bracelet being pumped full of chemo or medicines.  Not that any of these things are “wrong” they are just so far from where my life is right now that It’s unimaginable.  I would give anything to be “living my life” and not stuck in a hospital room isolated from the world.  

Due to the pandemic, Leukemia, then Stem Cell and my always neutropenic status – I have not “lived” the same life as anyone on my social media feed for almost an entire year.  I don’t leave my house except to go to the hospital, the doctor or to pick up my groceries or maybe grab some curbside dinner.  I have not eaten in a restaurant since May 2020 for my anniversary with my husband.  It was an amazing night celebrating our anniversary, which to our surprise was paid for by an amazing mother of a student James had influenced as a thank you.  Boy, did she not realize what a HUGE blessing that meal would be for James and me.  Literally our last date before I was diagnosed with cancer and stripped away for 6 months.  I have not attended a birthday party since 2019.  My children have had to be homeschooled with the exception of Hattie due to her special need for therapy since March 2019 – they don’t love this and complain about it often.  They beg us to go to school, but we continue to say no to keep mama safe.  They fuss but ultimately due understand and want to keep mama out of the hospital, so they soldier on and are so brave.  Due to all of the chemo and the stem cell, my bone marrow is damaged, and my cell counts don’t recover which means I stay very immunocompromised all the time.  I am not allowed to be around children under 12 unless they are my own.  We can’t own or get a new pet.  I can’t take out the trash or change diapers (terrible…I know).  I don’t know what the next day or 2 weeks in front of me will look like or where I will be.  There is so much uncertainty in my life – the only certain thing is change.  Do I dream about my future? Do I imagine growing old with my husband or will I be gone in a few months, a year or a few years?  How do you live your life with such uncertainty about all things?

I miss my husband.  I miss his goofy laugh.  I miss how he just knows and feels when I am down and can make me smile in the darkest of moments.  He and I have been separated more this year then we have been in our entire marriage.  He has missed being able to care for me in my lowest of moments because he needed to be the rock for our children.  He sacrificed caring for me in order to keep stability in an everchanging sea of unknowns for our children.  He has become a single parent.  He has had to learn to cook.  He has had to adjust to life suddenly without a wife.  We both have had to have conversations with our children that we never in our wildest dreams thought we would.  We’ve had to explain death to a seven and five-year-old child and how it relates to their mama whom they hold more precious than gold.  They have asked him “all the mommies that get sick in movies die daddy…Is that going to happen to mama?”

I hate cancer and I love God.  That’s an even deeper dichotomy.  So many times, I want to be angry and stay angry.  I demand to know the end of the story.  I want Him to show me why there is so much pain and tragedy in my family’s story.  I don’t feel like my time on earth is done and I have so many questions – and days will go by that I hear nothing from Him.  There are periods of time when my spiritual life feels drier than a desert under the midday sun.  I tell Him that I don’t feel prepared for this walk.  That I didn’t see this path coming at all.  I ask the Why questions over and over again without answer.  I begin to get discouraged and scared – and then I remind myself that He is Good and faithful.  That he cares for those that love Him.  That He carries my burdens, If I simply ask.  That I am not alone in the fire, but He is there with me.  That I am not alone in the chemo, but He is there with me.  That I am not alone in the quiet hospital room, but He is there with me.  I am reminded of the precious gifts that He has placed in my life who continually bring me laughter and joy.  I am reminded of the special gift that Hattie is and how seeing her progress even the tiniest little bit is a miracle every day and it overwhelms my dry spirit and floods it with rain.  I think of how He paired me with such an amazing partner in this life and convinced him to persue a broken person such as myself.  

No matter how much I hate cancer, God hates cancer more.  His heart breaks for what breaks mine.  His promise of healing is undeniable, but He gives no promise of timing.  How I wished I knew the day and time this battle would end.  That this incredibly hard season might become a little lighter, but He doesn’t reveal this entire map of my life – He just points me in the next right direction. He will cover my children because it’s a promise He’s made with me after many many prayers for protection.  It will be ok.  I have to believe there is a mighty story for Jesus on the other side of this silence and loneliness because God can turn what looks evil to good.  He promised a rainbow around my family and I believe this promise with all my heart.  He has spoken the right words over me so many times.  He has connected me with so many hearts and opened new hearts to pray and hear Him for the first time.  Am I promised tomorrow – no – and that’s what makes living today without hearing my precious children’s voices and touching my loving husband so incredibly difficult BUT I know that I have loved well.

James 1:2

Peace and Love – Kaet

Mama….it’s a mess

~ ourhandsgoup ~ 2 Comments

It’s been a little bit of time since I wrote on the blog, you know life with 4 kids 6 and under and 1 with special needs isn’t busy at all…but I had an urgent need to put some words to…well the blog (not to paper, lol).

I struggle….I am a type A, introvert with perfectionist tendencies…there I admitted it. James will laugh and say “tell me something I didn’t already know”. And with that comes A LOT of anxiety. This week I was down and out sick, like didn’t move from the couch for 2 days sick, which had not happened to me in quite a while. My hubby was a super hero and entertained the kids while I laid in quarantine for 2 whole days. It was fun, they were crazy BUT shocker… my hubby is not me. He doesn’t notice the mess like I do. He doesn’t notice the sock that is in the wrong bin like I do. Dishes don’t bother him as much as they do me. So when I emerged from the sick room, BAM…anxiety overload. “Mama, its a mess.” In that moment, I had to reallllyy stop myself. I often become the black tornado as it is lovingly called by my husband when I go into super mom clean up mode. My whole mood shifts. My focus becames hard and laser sharp…it;s not a peaceful place I go. And anxiety takes over. Someone lovingly laughed at me when I retold this story of the mess and said “but isn’t that the point of home, to let LIFE happen.”

How true and poignant are those words. How prophetic are those words. How easy it is a mothers to place this ungodly amount of pressure on ourselves to do all the things and check all the boxes because WHY? For me I think its because someone might come over to visit and discover that I don’t have it all together. But where does this pressure come from? Why do I allow my heart to be disturbed to the point of anger about something I really have no control over, it is part of the blessing of the LIFE I have with 4 creative children. I had a choice, I could yell and I could scream for my girls to “Be more responsible, clean up after themselves…how could they allow this to happen” but oh wait they are 6 and 4. OR I could breathe, accept the mess and love my kids, my husband, my messy life. Did we clean up together a little? yes. But did I chose Joy? yes Did I yell? No not for this time (we all know as mom this happens so just smile and nod.)

Jesus loved the biggest of messes. He chose some pretty messy disciples, like those he held closest to Him to spread the word after He was gone. He loved those that others often never saw. Jesus didn’t have anxiety or depression. Jesus had LIFE. What pressures we put on ourselves. What huge mounds of self-inflicted guilt we place on ourselves when we can’t do it all. I never really struggled with anxiety until the birth of Hattie. So many things were completely out of my control. Before Hattie, even with the girls I just let things roll off – I could pray and handle it. I did not have so much compassion and empathy for those who dealt with the burden of anxiety and depression UNTIL I lived it. Until I thought I was having a heart=attack because the weight of the anxiety I carried for my newest daughter was so heavy it laid on my chest like a rock. Until I felt like I was frozen and could not take one more step forward. Until I doubted the goodness of God and the devil slipped in thoughts that the reason Hattie was the way she was was because I did something wrong – did I not pray enough? Maybe I didn’t tithe enough? Maybe I was not living out my calling? The devil is a liar. He knew I was vulnerable, tired, exhausted and in a storm and he sought me. But so did the Lord and So did my husband. This new anxious life would not end with the end of my maternity leave but continues to be a battle I struggle with everyday. And through that battle, I learned that anxiety/depression is stealing so many stories. It is not anxiety that gives LIFE but Jesus. And at the end of the day, I have no control and I’m slowly accepting that. The messy life tends to feed that anxiety – Like somehow I’m not as good of a mom if my bed isn’t made but guess what I am. The Lord gave me this life for however long I may be in it and I will seek Joy in it. “As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after thee.” Lets encourage one another. Lets me slow to judge, slow to be angry and quick to love, forgive, pray and encourage. Lets be gracious and pray. Pray over the mama or dad that we see rushing, struggling, juggling when we see them next.

What kind of example do I want my kids to emulate? A peaceful mom with a mess or an angry mom with a home that’s sparkling clean. Now I do believe in chores and I do LOVE a sparkling clean home but I am going to re-evaluate HOW I get there. Small miracles happen EVERY day if we just take the load off our shoulders and Look for them. My kids woke up and said they loved me. They got dressed and went to schools where they have teachers who love on them all day (Thank the LORD for amazing teachers.). Mamas lets rest today. I know we read it all the time but for real….let that mess sit a little longer. Hug your spouse a little more instead of allowing the differences between you two to cause frustration. Appreciate the fact that you are different and thank the Lord for the gifts He has intricately designed in your significant other.

Stop the hustle, Stop the stress. Love yourself. Lay on that couch and know you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Discipline will be tomorrows topic 🙂

Blessings – Kaet