Around this time last year, life sped up even more rapidly than before. Unfortunately, we had just discovered that the CAR T Cell treatment Kaet was receiving had failed, and our options were becoming limited. Kaet came home from her inpatient stay at that time and said she wanted to go home. So, God moved mountains and put the perfect people that we love dearly in our lives at the perfect time. Within 48 hrs, we had a private flight home to spend our last Halloween together as a family, in Niceville. All that to say, below are some thoughts and revelations from Kaet that she was never able to share. We all go through a season of “why,” and I may be biased, but these words are a Godsend, and these words are the words of God, spoken through Kaet during an incredibly challenging time.

The Sea of “Why”

There is no deeper pain in my life than the pain of walking away from my husband and children back into the hospital for another week, day, or month without them. I thought after I was diagnosed that this action might get easier….that this door would be less hard to close…that this burden would somehow be lighter. Still, I realize that my heart is with my family. My best friend and soulmate is with these beautiful tiny blessings that are such a massive part of my heart. And I have difficulty not sinking deeply into the uncharted seas of why. Cancer may not be your why, but some other loss, grief, and the struggle of this broken world might be your why-me moment. So how do we navigate back out of the turbulent “why” sea and back to the peaceful shores and shallows of our ever-loving and good God? One word for me, Jesus.

His goodness and kindness never change. Throughout His life on earth, he knew His why me moment intimately but still fought for us. He was the calm and shelter for so many and continues to be through the peaceful love story he gave us through his written word. Jesus paid that ultimate sacrifice for our sins when He absolutely did not deserve any bit of it. He took on suffering so that we, at the end of our life, can walk into perfection in Heaven. Our suffering here on earth has a reason because Jesus suffered it all. When I begin to turn this cancer life into something about me, I’m quickly reminded that we aren’t called to live a selfish life but a selfless life. It is not all about me in this moment. God has promised me that my children’s hearts will be looked after. Jesus has continued to strengthen James and our marriage beyond what we knew was possible in this life before Heaven. He has repeatedly shown us how to navigate OUT of the turbulent “why” sea, and this is what He continues to show us.
 
When we are at our most hurt and feel like the next step forward is too painful, God is still Good and always fighting for us.

When doubting our ability to make it another month, God’s written promises to us that healing is coming if we continue to cling to our faith.

When we have lost our identity in the everchanging life of living with a disabling disease, including losing our jobs, our identity is in Christ alone.

When finances weigh heavily over us, and we are like the disciples in the storm, frightened by the waves and rain, God is our provider – he is our Abba father.

When we see others desperately hurting around us and begin to look at the world through the painful lens the world loves to portray, God’s lenses are full of light and hope.

The turbulent and dark waters that lie for those who get caught up in the “whys” of life are unbearable. It will hold you down, rip your sails apart, turn you in never-ending circles, and hold you in the depth of despair. Because that is where satan wants Christ’s followers to be. If we are wounded, blinded, swirling around, unable to find our bearing, we are lost to the cause and speaking to who God really is.
But Jesus is standing on the shore, shining in the sky, singing on the wind, ready to navigate us into the peaceful eye of the storm or the beautiful, gentle coastline where we can find rest. He is asking us to keep our eyes on Him. He is asking us to not try and understand the ways of the deep “why” sea because it is broken and treacherous and will explain nothing. He is asking for us to rest in Him and trust He is good and good days are coming.

Kaet-10/10/2021

When